As the weather continues to pleasantly surprise, thoughts turn to spending more time in the garden. Aside from irksome wasps and overcooked barbeques, there's one thing that's potentially even more likely to ruin your al fresco experience ........ neighbours. I would love one day to live somewhere completely isolated from other people.
Albeit with a good mobile signal and only minutes from the nearest supermarket. That's the dream, my friend.
From overgrown hedges and trees to incessantly yapping woofers and tinny music, neighbours can be a nightmare for many of us. It's a marriage of convenience, but one that you can't easily dissolve.
Therapist and behavioural psychologist Jess Baker told the Daily Telegraph: "There's a lot of research into the benefits of community. Even just sharing a kind smile and eye contact with a neighbour, to say 'I see you, I acknowledge your existence', is a strong connection", she claims. I'm not 100% convinced.
During the pandemic, one of the scant benefits was a feeling of community. I feel that this has largely evaporated now, the bubble of kindness bursting like an overstuffed sausage on a production line being pricked by reality.
I'll confess this column has been inspired by one of our neighbours, and their sense of entitlement concerning parking. The best part of an exchange they had with my wife was: "well, you only rent anyway, so if it's that bad, you can just move". A little bit of snobbery towards renters, mixed in with entitlement. An intoxicating cocktail.
Some of the top irritations towards our neighbours have been named recently, and include behaviour on summer days. Etiquette expert Jo Bryant suggests "you have to consider the day and time of day. It's one thing to be chatting over a spot of lunch on a Saturday, but on a Wednesday evening it's different". In other words, a little consideration is needed, and starting up your Flymo on Sunday morning at 7am is probably a no-no.
Barbecues are a source of much contention. They can leave a foul smell on any clothing left out on the washing line to dry, they can create a lot of noise, and as Bryant points out "there's a big difference between a few sausages for Saturday night with friends and a huge grill up, with hundreds of people and speakers".
Music is another bone of contention. There does seem to be a modern obsession with listening to stuff on the train, in the park, or wherever on speaker rather than using headphones. Even extending to phone calls, as if you're an Apprentice contestant .I'd like to nip this in the bud, if possible.
Noisy dogs and children are another source of strife. Our neighbours have one of those tiny dogs that makes a lot of racket every time anyone is in the vicinity of their front door. Much like them, it gnashes its teeth and snarls quite a lot.
Parking is the big one for us though. I leave the house really early to commute to work, and need to be able to get my car on and off the drive at daft o'clock. There is ample space in front of our property for my wife's car, and two of our neighbours' three massive vehicles. They didn't appreciate us pointing this out, and politely requesting they leave a bit of space in front of our house for us. They even resorted to the old "we pay road tax, we can park where we like" line, which is interesting given it was abolished in the 1930s, and they definitely don't look old enough for that.
Back to psychologist Jess Baker, who says: "You can't tell other people how to behave, but you have a right to tell that person how their behaviour is affecting you".
If things get really bad, the Citizens' Advice website has plenty of good tips on dealing with neighbourly disputes. You could also go down the route of reporting noise to your local council, but I can't imagine it's that high up the pecking order for them. It's just a pity people can't be more considerate.
We are fortunate in having lovely neighbours on the other side, but I'm afraid when you tell someone to move if they don't like it, as they are "only renting", I won't be taking in any parcels for you, or even feigning politeness. I've not used names, but if they are reading this, I hope it's food for thought. In life, your choice of words matters.
Alex B Cann column: Should we have the right to switch off?
