“I’m a policeman and I endured years of domestic abuse”

A Tameside police officer has spoken out about his experience with domestic abuse in the hope of encouraging other male victims to seek help.

The 37-year-old, who wishes to remain anonymous, has told his story on how he has endured years of controlling and coercive abuse from his now ex-wife. He has suffered years of being belittled, emotionally and financially abused, harassed, spat upon and had his contact with his children restricted.

He has spoken out in support of Tameside Council’s Open Up campaign.

One in six men experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives, but they are far less likely to seek help or tell anyone in comparison to women.

The campaign aims to raise awareness of the support available for male victims of domestic abuse.

He said: “I met my ex-wife at college and while I can look back now and see warning signs of her impulsive and erratic behaviour and alcohol misuse, but we were young, and I explained away a lot of it by thinking young people have fun.

“We got married and had children and as time went on the abuse became more and more regular and apparent. She made horrible comments and threats like “If you were a man…”, I was walking on eggshells all the time, if I didn’t meet her unrealistic expectations she would explode, screaming and spitting, threatening me, calling me names, weaponising the children and making herself out to be the victim. She sometimes would go out drinking and not return home for days but still managed to blame me.

“It was draining but it became normality, and I just got on with it. My main focus was being there for our children. But over time I got more and more miserable and, at first, I thought it was my job in the police making me miserable, but I eventually realised it was the toxic environment at home that was the root of my unhappiness and so in 2021 I moved out.

However, leaving didn’t end the abuse, it escalated it, even though he did everything he could to parent his children and pay the bills at home.

“She sent abusive and harassing messages, made threats and tried to turn the children against me and restricted my contact with them, which was heartbreaking. She was very manipulative, made false allegations against me to the police, ran up debts in my name while at the same time she was continuing to drink heavily and being neglectful toward the children. But the bias always seems to be towards the mother, so everyone kept taking her word over mine and dismissing my concerns. I felt so isolated and was the stage of giving up.”

He eventually sought counselling after his current partner, who was trying to support him through the abuse, noticed he was becoming more and more distant as he internalised his suffering.

His counsellor immediately referred him to the Bridges Partnership for domestic abuse support, where he started a support programme with two other men,

“She sent abusive and harassing messages, made threats and tried to turn the children against me and restricted my contact with them, which was heartbreaking. She was very manipulative, made false allegations against me to the police, ran up debts in my name while at the same time she was continuing to drink heavily and being neglectful toward the children. But the bias always seems to be towards the mother, so everyone kept taking her word over mine and dismissing my concerns. I felt so isolated and was the stage of giving up.”

The dad now has full custody of his children and says he and his children are in a better and more stable situation, even though contact from his wife can still be abusive and challenging.

“She sent abusive and harassing messages, made threats and tried to turn the children against me and restricted my contact with them, which was heartbreaking. She was very manipulative, made false allegations against me to the police, ran up debts in my name while at the same time she was continuing to drink heavily and being neglectful toward the children. But the bias always seems to be towards the mother, so everyone kept taking her word over mine and dismissing my concerns. I felt so isolated and was the stage of giving up.”

There is specialist support for all victims of domestic abuse in Tameside at www.bridgespartnership.org.uk or call 0800 328 0967. In an emergency you should always call 999.